Written by Richard Anderson
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12 July 2009
At this time I'm reminded of the old adage. Old wounds die hard. You never really know just how hard though. The thing about old wounds, is that the leave a scar. Those scars trigger memories and thoughts that we had otherwise pushed to the back of our heads. This is what we as human beings must do to move on. We never really forget, we just choose to ignore, because, as with most things in life, if we carry on thinking about these things they slowly eat away at us, turning into a mere fraction of the person we once were.
Sometimes in our lifes a mirror is cast upon us. A light is turned on and we see ourselves for how everyone else see's us. I had one such moment almost 7 months ago. Those who were around and were effected know the details, so I won't detail them here but suffice to say I hurt someone i cared about. I really hurt them and in doing so I hurt myself. It wasn't intentional but it happened. A few weeks later I was given another opportunity to make it right after weeks of me begging. I basically threw that opportunity back at him because I thought I liked someone else. I tried fooling myself for a long time but I was wrong. I can say that now. We tried to be friends but I felt like everytime he said he had forgiven me for my past mistakes, he found a way to make sure I never forgot by either attacking me publically or bringing up the past again so we can argue about it one more time. I don't know how to be his friend anymore because he won't let me... let us move on.
I don't pretend to be perfect and if there's one thing I have realised it is that I am an asshole. People can sit there and tell me I'm not over and over again, but none of those people have been hurt by my actions. I've been hurt by my actions and so has he.
I wish he knew that I still care about him, and that I think about him all the time. I don't think he cares anymore though.
I don't hate him and I don't blame him. I just wish that if he hates me, that he'd tell me.