Decisions of Change

Written by Richard Anderson | 08 February 2010

A friend of mine contacted me today and discussed with me an issue that puzzled me some, and I wish to share it with you. I know they won't mind me blogging about it. For their privacy however I will refer to him as Jack.

It's a complicated issue regarding online relationships, which i know many of you might disagree with or struggle to understand. You may not be able to appreciate how two people who have never met could possibly share meaningful feelings. With advances in technology, it makes it all too easy for a great many people to establish these feelings with the aid of audio and video online tools to aid in communication. The hope is that these early onset feelings will be built upon sometime in the near future when the two meet. In my experience with people online, it's rare for it to develop much further than that, though i do know of a few exceptions. The point really is that while you might disagree, for the people involved it means something.

Lets put aside a common argument I hear that two people who haven't met couldn't possibly love each other, and assume that Jack and his "online" girlfriend Jill do. They havent met yet, but they have spent a great amount of time in each others company online. They're due to meet in the coming weeks, but Jill has a problem. Jill is used to the comfort provided by the physical presence of another person. Jack, to be blunt, isn't. Jill recently sought that comfort in a non-sexual capacity from someone else. She's told Jack about this and has said it wont happen again, but I think naturally it has left Jack feeling hurt and confused. He trusts her, because she has been honest as far as he knows, but is still concerned that he is unable to provide that comfort she seeks for any real length of time. Sure they're going to meet soon, but that's only temporary. On top of this, it's a lot of money for him to spend on meeting her for him to be having doubts.

He doesn't want to push the date back, and he doesn't want to end things with Jill. He says that he loves her, that she makes him feel comfortable and less awkward about himself than he naturally feels. She says that she loves him, and that she hates herself for doing this to him. He's thinking about breaking up with her, even though that's the last thing he wants to do. If he did, thier relationship would still be a good one I'm sure. He'd have no intention of making a big deal of it, and has said he would fight to stay close to her, but it's still not something he wants to do.

The issue at hand I feel is really a question of commitment. How much commitment can someone seriously be expected to have when all you have to go on is bits and bytes? Where are lines drawn with regards to that commitment? What trangressions can people or should people be forgiven for, and what leeway should be given in those situations? There are many paralells of these questions in "real world" situations, but they are of particular importance with an online relationship as temptation is found all over the internet, and in a persons own locality. This becomes a specific issue when a person is reminded that there is no touch online, which is often sought locally without the other persons knowledge.

I didn't have any advice to give Jack I regret. I understand better than most that the emotions behind online relationships of any kind, be they just friends or more, can be very real and very potent. I've had the luck and the privelage to meet a great amount of people I think of as friends online, and all that's ever proved to do is enhance the existing relationship. Can this translate to boyfriends or girlfriends? I don't know. I do however think Jack should think very carefully about his decisions and about what he wants. Jack and Jill are both good people, of that I have little doubt, and if their living circumstances were different I think they'd do great. The question they both really need to ask themselves I feel is can they cope with the circumstances they currently find themselves in? How much leeway are they prepared to give to make it work?

Let me know your thoughts. I'll be linking this to Jack, so please be mindful of his feelings.