It’s that time of year again. My annual Christmas message. Long time no see. Regulars of my annual message will realise.... Blimey, he’s late this year. I have no excuses. For those of you just joining the good ship Rooster, this is where I talk about my year, and look at how I’m going to use my experiences to shape the next year. So sit back, get the margaritas on ice and prepare for a journey into the depths of my brain. It’s a good one this year I promise.

What a difference a day makes... or 365 days. Whatever. This time last year, if you remember, I was not in a good place at all. It seems I come in and out of those not so good places more often than I’d like. However, I can say that I’m in a much better position to manage those feelings because frankly I have some of the greatest people around me who help me forget when I’m down and blue. Those are the people that are going to be my focus moving into 2012.

I failed my first year at university, so I have to retake one unit. Good times. I came out of 2010 with no social life, and it’s fair to say I went to the other extreme coming into 2011. As a result I failed a unit. A lot of people probably think, and in some cases have told me so, that this is a bad thing. However, for me, it was the best thing. It’s given me a chance to really develop my friendships and my work, and I think that’s important. I have a good university life set up ready to propel into next year with, and honestly I probably feel more fulfilled now than I have done at any other point in my life so far.

With that however, it is important that I reflect on the times when I haven’t felt so great, and they are numerous as per usual, and usually are to do with my inability to ‘put myself out there’ for the lack of a better phrase. Some aspects of my life I’m dissatisfied with because of my own hesitations and inhibitions. This year I became president of the LGBT society at the university, and puts me into a situation where I kinda have to force myself to lose some of those inhibitions and defences I’ve built up over the years. I’m steadily getting there, but I have no doubt there’s still a way to go. And for all those keen huggers out there.... it will ALWAYS still be on my terms, so don’t get too excited.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t really like to take time to single people out and tell them just how much I appreciate them. I like to think that they aren’t stupid and that they know, although in reality I’ve no way of knowing that. I’m not going to do it here though, so don’t worry. However I do want to say that there are truckloads of people who I’ve grown very fond of, and they’ve made this year, particularly the second half, my best yet. They are people I trust and in many ways depend on. These are the people I’ll be thinking about most as we go into Christmas and the new year.

And so I leave you like I do every year. I have no idea what 2012 is going to bring, which makes a change. I’m sure though that it will be more fulfilling than any of us expect.

Visit my site - www.roostervision.co.uk - to stay in touch. You can find all my social contacts on there too, Twitter, Facebook etc.

I hope you, your family and your loved ones have a very safe and merry Christmas, and a happy and prosperous 2012.

Luv u bai

If you don't... stop reading now. Stop pretending. I don't need you.

Hey... been a while huh?

Those of you who give a shit have probably noticed that lately i haven't been myself Well that's a fair assessment because i haven't. However, until now, I've struggled to talk about it and put it into words, because frankly, this is not something I can really talk to anyone about. This is because they either wouldn't understand, or because they are too close to the cause.

Today I'm writing an entry based on my spoken words. I've spoken into a mic, and put what i say into typed words. There is no editing.

I think... I'm a little more complicated that people realise... um...  I certainly think that over the last few weeks I've demonstrated that a lot. I think part of that is to do with how I... show myself to people... I hide.... hide is probably the wrong word... I choose not to show a lot about me, because I hold myself to a certain public standard, and if I didn't hold myself to that standard then maybe things would be different but because i do, and i believe in and grab onto and latch onto that standard... I limit myself. Which I don't think is a bad thing but very much because of that, I'm immediately opposed to a lot of things that a lot of people would be open to.

The reason for that is because I believe in... a degree of... and I'm going to use the word gentlemanship... which of course isn't a words, but I think it conveys what I mean pretty well.

It's because of this ideal... perhaps unrealistic ideal that to be a man as it were... you have to live by certain rules... and part of those rules is to maintain a certain dignity and pride. To do that it means not to show certain things to people like weakness. It sounds strange to say though that I've become better at showing people that... I have weaknesses.

For me this means showing... happiness, sadness... anger... it's all an inability to control yourself. I think to a large extent, that that’s where I am right now... I'm finding it hard to control myself. I'm still doing it, but people notice more because I pull myself away. I take 5 mins to contemplate and clear my head. It's not a bad thing, it's something I've always done. I’m not comfortable about it though because I'm worried people will clock on to what I'm thinking about, and one of those things at the moment is about... the people I care about and the people I like. the people i LIKE. I believe in social boundaries, but people don't understand that you can like someone, and yet control yourself enough to not make that much of a difference, and that's what I'm struggling with right now.

Now I know that only the people who's opinion matters to me are the people who are going to pay any attention to this.... and they know that if I want to talk about it... I would come to them. This is my way of saying what I have to say without ACTUALLY saying it.

This is a feeling that makes me feel out of control.. and I'm concerned that i might do something stupid... which will effect more than myself and potentially cause a division that... I'm not willing to have to go through. That's why I must stay silent... and suffer... and endure really... eventually it will pass.... even if it has lasted a year.

That’s the post.... have fun with that

Hi There. Yes. It is I. Don’t Worry. I haven’t forgotten about you, weary traveller.

Today I’m going to reflect on the past four months. Mostly for myself, because I’m at a place, where I often end up, where I need to stop and take stock.

Its 4:30am, I can’t sleep – which can only mean one thing – It must be time for another blog.

Today a very close friend of mine posed a question. What is my passion? Frankly, I didn’t know how to answer this. I don’t have anything I would particularly call a passion. I like and enjoy a lot of things. I like to work. I love to work. I like meeting people, even if I’m a bit shy at first. I like drinking, surprised? I like to learn – not so much to study, but I like learning about almost anything. I’m easily fascinated. I like to eat. I LOVE to eat. With all this however, I still find myself lacking something to be passionate about.

Then I thought a little deeper and came up with an answer I think many of you would be surprised to hear. I know I was surprised.

If there is one thing I hate, its people. People are pathetic, temperamental, selfish, moronic, disturbing and frankly just downright annoying. For this reason, I’m a bit of a dick. What’s that you say? Not me? Never! It’s true. I am an asshole, and I get away with it a lot. I say outrageous things, and sometimes I offend someone but they usually get over it very quickly.

So where’s this going? Well I’ve come to the conclusion that, people are my passion. Not ALL people, but some people are my passion. I am passionate about the people I keep closest. These people come in different forms, and many of them probably aren’t fully aware just how fond of them I am, but all of them contribute to what is becoming an ever growing happiness.

Once upon a time, I convinced myself I didn’t need people, since people didn’t seem to need me, and while I still don’t feel very needed, it doesn’t matter so much anymore, because I need them. I learned that occasionally, we stumble across people who leave footprints on our hearts. We must nurture these people as they make a sorry world worth walking on. These people make me feel better about myself and the life I live, and individually they contribute to a life which becomes ever more enriched by the steps they take, the words they say and the meanings they convey.

My passion is my friends. Even if I don’t call them that. Even if I don’t say it to their face. Even if I haven’t spoken to them in a while. My passion is now and always will be... my people.... and their fucked up little brains for having ever spoken to me in the first place.

Letters become words, become sentences, become meaning.

What a year huh? I start this, not really knowing where to begin. Emotionally, it’s been difficult. Financially, it’s been tight. Socially, it’s been colourful. Politically, it’s been unexpected. Romantically, it’s been a struggle. Educationally, it’s been exciting. Job wise, it’s been a challenge. I’m just going to jump straight into it and see what comes out.

Two posts in one night. Eek. A thing to note first of all is that all comments made on this site must be approved by me. This is mostly to stop spam, but also to help keep some comments away from people who don't really know me.

Occasionally, I'll see a comment that I want to bring to attention. I don't want to prevent people from expressing thier thoughts on my posts, even if they aren't that positive. But I will try to put some perspective around that comment or respond to it.

Today I'd like to put the following comment under the spotlight. It's a comment by Justin in response to my post called "The Struggle". I mentioned Justin briefly in the previous post, however I hadn't noticed this comment until just now.

Justin writes:

Yeah. And I've seen the horrible side. Get out while you still can. Richard has a nice way of coming off as being charming and sweet. But do something he doesn't like, or act in a manner which is against his personal agenda, and his nasty, vindictive, evil side comes out. He truly is without a heart or human emotions. I gave the panda he sent to me up to God.

First, lets contextualise. Me and Justin became very close, to the point where what we didn't do mattered to each other as much as what we did do. I sent him a gift... a stuffed panda... it came to symbolise the relationship. To this day, Pandas remind me of Justin without fail.

On numerous occasions we managed to come to a point where we would talk to each other again. I'd "charm" my way into talking to him again. Then we'd argue over something small and pety that was usually to do with my own personal agenda, and we'd stop talking again. This includes the last argument we had, and indeed the last conversation we had.

My response? I can't argue with what he has said. It's his opinion, which I'm sure is based solidly on the way I've treated him, unintentionally in most cases, but treated him that way regardless. I'd hope there are people out there who would argue close to the opposite.I don't totally disagree though.

Does it upset or disturb me that Justin has these strong feelings against me? Honestly, yes it does. Despite what he may think, I do actually care about him. Does that make a difference? I don't think it does anymore. I could apologise for the things we argue over, but it doesn't change my opinions on the subject, only that I wouldn't choose to talk to him about them anymore. Even if that apology did mean anything, which I don't think it would to him anymore, we'd only find something new to argue about, and the cycle would repeat itself.

I'd like to make peace, yet again, but I don't think it's something he wants to explore. So this is where I end the post, with an open invitation to him, should he so wish.

I like to think that I’ve lived a very full life, even if there are times when I know there are things I’ve missed out on. Looking through some photos today though prompted me to think about some of the meaning some of those photos have with me, and today I’d like to share that with you.



This is about the earliest picture I have. No history here... it just is history. A childhood I barely remember to reflect on.

Sometimes, the person I am isn't good enough.

You all know me, and if you don't you'll soon understand that first and foremost, I'm a dick. I'm arrogant and obnoxious and sometimes quite blunt and direct to the point where its just plain rude. For those who have known me longer, or for those with the keener eye, it's not difficult to see and realise why I am this way. It's not necessarily because I'm an ass.... most of the time. I struggle to show and express feelings, even for something as little as expressing friendship, I struggle to convey that sense of affection. To get around that, I'm an unfeeling dick, and a work colleague said it to me directly just recently... I have no feelings... or at least I don't show them.

I had to toughen up, to the point where it's hard to comeback from. Sure some of you have seen momentary expressions of affection, and some have even seen me when I'm at my most vulnerable, but for the most part, people would agree that I usually look unexpressive or lack a certain spark, which makes me unapproachable.

These are things I know, and part of the journey to University was to help overcome that, but I've come to realise the true extent of my problem. People tell me to loosen up and relax, but it's not that easy.

"You like him? GO over and say hi."
"Here's someone I would like you to meet"
"Come over and sit with us"

Yea... sometimes It's easier for me to stand on my own than it is to face an awkward situation that I don't know how to react to, and more often than not I end up saying something stupid..... or offensive.

I don't know how to talk to people. I've spent my life not knowing how to talk to people outside of work. I spent years intentionally seperating myself from people, either because we'd be seperated eventually because of my mums work, or because it kept me out of trouble and kept me from people who would cause me trouble.

People don't understand how hard this is for me and how hard I'm trying.... but more importantly how much of a push I really need. I'm susceptable to pushes... if you push me, i won't fall... i'll jump and see where it takes me... but I don't get far without that push.

So for those of you just meeting me for the first time... keep this in mind, because I'm trying really hard, and so far I'm failing epically.

Spoonie: noun The internal company nickname for a person who works for JD Wetherspoon.

I know I previously promised pictures, and I will try to get some, but I haven't had the opportunity yet.

Today I would like to talk a little about how I feel I am getting on in my new place of work. It has taken me a little bit of time to summarise my feelings due to a number of reasons.

First and foremost, this is my first "real" job. The first job I've had outside of the family bar. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of late hours. For those who know me best, you will know I sweat an awful lot, and in bars, you work in the warmest places, be it the kitchen, the glass wash area, or just generally behind the bar. While you may feel comfortable and cool in your seat, we are constantly moving most of the time, standing over hot plates, or in front of equipment spewing out hot air. You can usually see the salt from my sweat on my black shirts at the end of a hard shift. Not an attractive image I realise, but true all the same. In addition to this, I'm about to buy my second pair of shoes bought specifically for this job, since my first pair are already un-wearable. Thanks Burtons.

I'm not a massive fan of corporations. Sales targets and product focuses and strict practices are all a bit much to think about at first and were a little overwhelming for me. I wasn't certain that I wanted to work in an environment that would put that kind of pressure on you, since usually they are things that you can influence, but ultimately they are out of your hands.

Those who have seen me in a working environment, whether it be in "the real world" or online, will be able to tell you that I generally strive to lead, and I generally think I'm the best to do it. My initial concerns were that there would be a lot of competition for this, but I'm getting the feeling that there isn't. Sure there's ambition for it, but the actual ability to do it I'm struggling to see in the majority of people I would have considered a threat initially.

So with that steady non threatening feeling rising up, I'm beginning to enjoy it a little more. My fun, exuberant personality is a very definitive part of how I work, and my colleagues recognise this, yet I feel that my commitment to standards, service and values, and more importantly my commitment to the trade generally, is something that is beginning to be noticed by the management team. I feel like I'm recognised as one of the hard workers who is very capable in just about every role that is asked of my position.

My aim now is to demonstrate that I'm able to remain consistent in those roles, and that I can listen to the advice of my managers.  While doing this I need to show that I am capable of acting appropriately without a prompt from the managers, enabling both myself and the rest of the team to do the job expected of us without having to pull the managers away from their other duties.

Challenges are what I enjoy, and for the moment, it is these challenges which are keeping me motivated at The Lord Palmerston, and hopefully they will culminate in the management team feeling confident enough to take on further responsibility, for example, in a Team Leader capacity. Perhaps?

Well, today is the last day of my training before our soft opening tomorrow. I missed a call telling me that our session is an hour later today, so I'm going to write a little bit about my new place of work.

Random thoughts about me.

Trust is something thats hard for me to give. There are so many levels of trust that we all have... different doors a person must walk through before a person is totally trusted. What are your's? Here are mine...

So... as some of you know, I've been having a tough time lately emotionally, and there's been a lot of focus on the reason's for that. All that's really served to do is... not make things all that much better. SO as a nice change, I'm going to focus on something a little more positive.

To my friends of The True Fellowship (don't worry if u don't know what that means lol)

Due to a series of situations and circumstances that I have found myself in, I no longer have the time, money, desire or inclination to continue with my participation in the group, or the wider Stickam community. There are people who use the room I have no desire to see, and situations that occur that I no longer wish to expose myself to.

I've made some great friends and had some amazing experiences, but it is time to cut my losses and move on. I will still be available through msn, skype, facebook or other sources (liiiiike right here on my blog) should anyone wish to keep in contact.

I hope you all have a long and prosperous life. <3

First I'd like to apologise to the two people I know actually read all of my entries. I'm on a bit of a political high horse at the moment, and I'm sure that it's getting very boring as I know at least one of you isn't really that interested in politics at all, let alone British politics. That being said, it is nice to have something I actually want to write about for a change instead of some forced arbitrary piece on my so called emotions.

Now, down to business...

So I wrote that gay men suck, and I think some people felt that I was talking about them. While this is probably true to some extent, my intent wasn't to really target anyone or point anyone out. Even with references that are specific to the people who would know what I mean, my intent wasn't to push them away. The post was more about self analysis, which unfortunatly in part has to be the people I surround myself with.

So, with that in mind I'll create some balance and discuss my own flaws as I see them. What would also be kinda cool is if someone who thinks they know me well enough could volunteer to write something for me to post pointing out what they feel are my flaws. Sometimes it's good to hold up a mirror and see yourself for how you and others perceive you.

So I guess I should begin lol.